Tag Archives: The Onion

The Onion: Tips for Starting A Book Club

Posted on by

With the loneliness epidemic impacting millions of Americans, book clubs offer a simple and structured way for readers of all ages to socialize. The Onion shares tips for starting your own book club.

  • Seek out fellow readers by blackmailing a librarian into giving up names.
  • Choose the day of the month that works best for everyone to cancel on.
  • Make sure you have a good mix of people who will keep the book discussion going and people you actually like.
  • Select one of three books not banned by your state.
  • Establish a rotation order for club members to take turns shooting down each other’s book suggestions.
  • Bookmark the Dictionary.com page for “glib” for easy future reference.
  • Challenge your club with a book written in an ancient, untranslatable language.
  • Establish independent election monitors to maintain legitimacy of the book selection process.
  • Spend five to six years seeking your doctorate in comparative literature so you can absolutely smoke your friends with your opinion on A Court Of Thorns And Roses.
  • Keep your meetings on topic by dressing in an intimidating leather outfit and occasionally cracking your knuckles.
  • Make sure that everyone is hitting their page goals by administering regular pop quizzes, a midterm, and a final.
  • Spread the hosting duties around so that, a few months from now, you can easily shed yourself of this albatross of a social commitment once and for all.

Another Dark Ages?

Posted on by
Reply

From remarks by Scott Dikkers, Editor of The Onion. Freedom from Religion Foundation

“We live in an age now that could easily turn into another dark ages. It’s a time when irrational beliefs that run counter to established science are accepted not just by a large percentage of the population but also by our elected leaders.

The religious like to say they’re “saved.” But after eight years of their pick for president, it’s the rest of us who need to be saved.

And the people who voted for this leadership are ready to do it again, because they are ideologues, who are incapable of learning–they reject any factual information that contradicts their beliefs.” 

“Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet”

Posted on by

“After clicking the ‘submit’ button, I will immediately refresh the page so that I can view my own comment. I will then notice that my comment has not appeared because the server has not yet processed my request, become angry and confused, and re-post the same comment with unintentional variations on the original wording and misspellings, creating two slightly different yet equally moronic comments,” he said. “It is my hope that this will illustrate both my childlike level of impatience and my inability to replicate a simple string of letters and symbols 30 seconds after having composed it.”

The Onion

Ennui Gas

Posted on by
Reply

WASHINGTON — “Calling it the most effective tool to date in the War on Terror, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had developed a new chemical weapon called “ennui gas,” a nerve agent that overwhelms its victims with sudden philosophical distress over the meaningless tedium of human life and a sinking sense that everything they have ever accomplished ultimately amounts to dust.”

The Onion

Tough Room: Editorial meeting of The Onion

Posted on by

In last week’s This American Life, host Ira Glass lived one of my fantasies. He sat in on an editorial meeting of The Onion, “where there’s one laugh for every 100 jokes.”

“They start with over 600 potential headlines for their fake-news newspaper each week, and over the course of two days, in the very tough room that is their editorial conference room, they select 16 to go in the paper.”

Onion writers not fans of Sheryl Crow

Posted on by
Reply

From the Onion: “Seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong found his endurance stretched “almost to the breaking point” last Friday by a three-hour, 30-song concert presented by his fiancée, pop-folk singer Sheryl Crow.”

I’m posting this because a) I’m a fan and subscriber of the Onion and b) my friend/co-worker Bob took the time to forward. But it just isn’t up to the Onion’s high standards. Shit, I could have written that. Somebody must have been on deadline.