On being normal

“…learned that the people in front of me are going at their own speed, probably for a reason. They’re not trying to get in my way as I rush past. I need to stay out of theirs. And I need to be grateful that I can rush past again. I need to appreciate normal.”

Jeff Jarvis

“…so freaking happy I can’t even describe it. And when I speak to a packed ballroom, like today, I feel reborn. It is pure joy, and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Every day feels like a gift now. And that, my friends, is the rarest neurological disorder of them all.”

— Scott Adams

Advice for new graduates from Scott Adams

  • Teamwork is what you call it when you trick other people into ignoring their priorities in favor of yours.
  • Leadership is a form of evil. No one needs to lead you to do something that is obviously good for you.
  • Business success is mostly about waiting for something lucky to happen and then taking credit.
  • Preparing a Powerpoint presentation will give you the sweet, sweet illusion of productivity.

I also kind of liked one of the commnets: “Unprofessional” and “passionate” is the same thing.

U. S. Founding Fathers

Scott Adams insists we must look at the the actions of our Founding Fathers in order to understand their ideals:

1. Slavery – excellent source of poontang
2. Women voting? That’s crazy talk!
3. People who don’t own land suck
4. A good way to change tax policy is through violence
5. It’s not really crossdressing if you also wear manly boots.
6. Treason is okay if you have a good reason.
7. No one wants to sit next to Ben Franklin

Like Adams, I’m glad they did the whole create-a-new-country thing… just don’t go nuts with the “this country was founded on sacred ideals put forth by our Founding Fathers” riff. They were a practical lot.

Intelligence, god, dogs and dentists

“Dentists are generally pretty smart and they have the highest suicide rate of any profession. In stark contrast, dogs are goofy and they always look happy. You almost never hear about a dog trying to shoot himself. I know you want me to make a joke along the lines of “Dentists would be happy too if they could lick themselves.” But this is a serious discussion and I won’t have it. Plus that’s why dentists have office assistants.”

— Scott Adams

Scott Adams on Best and Worst Jobs

Scott Adams finds it interesting that the guy with the best job in the world gets to blow up the guy with the worst job in the world.

“I have to think that the guy who fired the rocket by remote control loves his job. I have an image of him sitting in an air conditioned headquarters someplace, feet up on the desk, a bag of Cheetohs on one side, a Budweiser on the other, staring at his computer screen. It’s about 1 am and everyone else is asleep. The order comes through on e-mail saying something like “Blow up mud hut #4,7855.” So he takes a break from playing Doom and plugs that number into the GPS system and soon his drone is hovering over said mud hut, missiles ready to go.”

Let’s add Scott Adams to the short list of people I’d like to drink beer with after work.

We’ve moved our call centers to Elbonia

Needed some help with a Linksys router last week and wound up talking to a lady in Punjab or Kandahar or some such place. I could live with the 5 second delay on the satellite/phone hook-up but her English was just slightly better than my Punjabie.

Gave up on the Linksys router and purchased one by Netgear. I found myself reading the back of the box to see if there was any mention of where their tech support folks are located. I think that would be a strong selling feature. I’d pay more for a product if I knew I’d be speaking to someone in the U.S.A.

Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel

I’ve spent the last few minutes of the last few nights on my back laughing so hard tears trickled down to my ears. I’m highlighting my way through Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel by Scott Adams.

“You can ignore almost everything that is asked of you and in the long run it won’t matter. Either the tasks will become moot or your boss will forget what he asked you to do, or someone else will do it.” Or, “If you stall long enough, every corporate initiative ends, even layoffs.”

I particularly enjoyed the description an encounter with a salesman for a local radio station that was trying to convince Adams to buys advertising for the resturant he co-owns. Adams asked the sales person how many listeners the radio station had.

“The sales weasel explained, ‘You have to spend money to make money.’ I pointed out that he probably knew the number of listeners and that I could decide on my own if it was worth knowing. The weasel responded by explaining how many human beings lived within listening range of his station, i.e. weaselmath. I asked how that mattered if they weren’t actually listening, just potentially listening.”

“Then he explained that it’s much more expensive to advertise on other radio stations on a cost-per-relevlant-listener basis. I asked how he knew that if he didn’t know how many listeners he had.”

“He explained to me that some of my competitors were advertising on his station and they must be getting some benefit or they wouldn’t be doing it. I pointed out that most of my competitors weren’t advertising on his station and if not advertising wasn’t working, they wouldn’t be doing it. It wasn’t a good meeting.”

God help us if radio listening ever becomes as brutally measurable as the Web.

Born, not made

I’ve been thinking about work place dynamics a lot lately. Managers, employees, bosses, leadership, morale. For most of the past 30 years I was part of “the management team.” A couple of years ago I worked my way back down the corporate ladder so that I have several bosses (instead of one) and nobody calls me boss. The two most significant results of this devolution are I don’t get invited to lunch as often as I used to and life is much sweeter.

During the peak of my Management Years I read books and attended workshops and seminars and took it all very seriously. Most of it was bull shit. I stopped all that after reading my first Dilbert book. Scott Adams describes The Boss this way:

“His top priorities are the bottom line and looking good in front of his subordinates and superiors (not necessarily in that order). Of absolutely no concern to him is the professional or personal well-being of his employees. The Boss is technologically challenged but he stays current on all the latest business trends, even though he rarely understands them.”

Most managers don’t have any idea how they’re doing because they look to their boss for feedback instead of the people reporting to them. Looking back (and maybe a little ahead, too), I think the difference between good companies and great companies is that good companies have good leaders…and great companies have great leaders. Nothing wrong with being a good leader or working for a good company…but it’s a little harder if you’ve ever worked for a great leader at a great company. And don’t let anybody shit you…great leaders are born. They’re not made. And the men and women down in the trenches can tell the difference in an instant.