In-flight sex: Urban myth?

Countless people saw the story about actor Ralph Fiennes allegedly having sex with a flight attendant in the bathroom of the plane (The flight attendatnt says there was no sex). But nobody gets more comic air miles from the story than Scott Adams:

“How horny do you have to be before you’ll follow a flight attendant into an airline bathroom, knowing that she actually has to use the bathroom? I mean, does that move ever work? I can barely convince myself that ANYONE has ever had sex in an airline bathroom. And that includes the best-case scenarios where:

1. The couple are already lovers
2. Neither person needs to actually USE the bathroom at that moment
3. Neither person is on an STD awareness tour
4. Both lovers are blind, noseless people with disposable shoes.

Adams/Dilbert fans are sure have have mixed feelings about the news that Chris Columbus (the man who directed Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Rent, Mrs. Doubtfire, Home Alone and a score of others) has picked up the theatrical rights to Dilbert.

Why no new Al Green songs?

Scott Adams wonders why great musicians can’t keep cranking out the hits every years?

“Consider Neal Diamond, for example. He wrote and recorded some of the greatest songs ever. But then the hits stopped coming, despite the fact that his talent probably improved with experience.”

I wondered the same thing a year ago, but Mr. Adams offers a reasonable explanation:

They can do more of the same sound, and consumers will think it sounds too much like the last album. Or they can try something different, and be unfavorably compared to their own hits. The public won’t be patient while the musician develops the new sound. It’s an almost impossible challenge.”

Do we win by losing?

“Maybe sometimes we need to go pound a country that’s harboring terrorists, for example. But do we need to stay and overthrow the government after the pounding is done? If the U.S. didn’t have troops in Afghanistan, would Osama be any harder to find?

I like to look on the bright side. The U.S. proved that it can destroy any country that it wants. Iraq has shown that no little country can be occupied without unacceptable costs. That seems like a good way to leave things.” — Scott Adams

Have cartoonists always been smarter than politicians, or is it just a W thing?

Restroom Automation

Restroom faucets, soap dispensers and towel dispensers are now equipped with motion detectors. Scott Adams is anxiously awaiting the next innovation in restroom automation.

“I assume developers are already working on the last mile: A robotic arm to unzip my pants, grab my unit, then do the holding, shaking, and repackaging. I’m too busy to do that stuff for myself.

The Autopee device (it needs a name) would be problematic because every guy is built different. Somehow it would need to know the dimensions of what’s behind your zipper so it didn’t accidentally neuter you. …You’d also have to tell the Autopee how much shaking you want, ranging anywhere from two quick flicks to a happy ending.”

If you are not reading the Dilbert Blog, you are missing some of the smartest, funniest writing anywhere.

God bless Miss USA!

Scott Adams asks: “…who would you rather have representing your country – a do-gooder who yammers about world peace, or the hot chick who’s trying to pin Miss Florida against the bar? America is all about freedom, not imposing your views on others. I say let Miss USA be free, like the great nation she represents. If we start restricting Miss USA’s right to party, the Taliban has won”.

Now I’m worried about Scott Adams

Is it even remotely possible that Scott Adams is reading this blog? In October I offered some thoughts on worry:

We know –looking back– that most of the things we worried about did NOT happen. The really bad shit that happens in life is almost always totally unexpected. Out of the blue (or black, if you prefer). Didn’t see it coming at all.

Today, Dilbert’s dad took the idea up a notch or two:

First, I’m not worried about any problem that we can see coming. If you look at the history of the world, almost any time we thought we knew something bad was going to happen AND we had years of warning, things turned out okay.

I’m just saying…

How to pick a president or a lawyer

Scott Adams makes a compelling case for why Bill Gates would be a good president (of the United States). If the election were held tomorrow, I’d vote for Mr. Gates without a moment’s further thought. The bonus nugget in Adams’ post was how to pick an attorney:

“I’ve always felt that you should pick a president the same way you’d pick an attorney to help you out of a dangerous legal problem. Do you want the attorney who dresses nicely and belongs to your church? Or do you want the attorney who can rip out your opponent’s heart and put it on the hibachi before he dies? Maybe it’s just me, but I want an attorney who is part demon.”

Of course. Everyone rags on lawyers but when they get in a jam, they want a gun-slinger.

Scott Adams on The Future of Voting

“I’d also want to see the list of experts lined up on both sides of every argument, along with their political affiliations. If 90% of economists favored one fiscal policy over another, that would sway me. If 90% of recently retired generals supported one method of fighting a war, that would sway me too. I’d also like to see opinion poll results that are limited to independent voters above a certain IQ range who have passed a knowledge test on the specific issue. It doesn’t help me to know that 80% of the ignorant, brainwashed masses support something. I want to know what the well-informed, bright, independents think. That way if I don’t have the time or interest to study an issue, I can still decide to vote with the bright, informed people.” (Posted 2006)

Wild Fire by Nelson DeMille

“During the Reagan administration, the American government devised and put into place this secret protocol named Wild Fire. What Wild Fire is, is the nuclear obliteration of the entire Islamic world by means of American nuclear missiles, in response to a nuclear terrorist attack on America.

For Wild Fire to be a reliable deterrent, as Mutually Assured Destruction was, it cannot be kept a complete secret. In fact, since the Wild Fire plan was implemented, the heads of all Islamic governments have been notified by succeeding administrations in Washington that an attack on an American city with a weapon of mass destruction would automatically ensure an American nuclear retaliation against fifty to one hundred cities and other targets in the Islamic world.

Wild Fire is seen by the American government as a very strong incentive for these countries to control the terrorists in their midsts, to induce these countries to share information with American intelligence agencies, and to do whatever they need to do to keep themselves from being vaporized.”

From Nelson DeMille’s latest novel, Wild Fire. In DeMille’s story, some right-wing loonies get their hands on some Soviet suitcase nukes and decide to blow up a couple of American cities, blame it on the terrorists, and turn Sand Land into molten glass.

I googled “Wild Fire” and found myself on the Library of Congress website, looking at Senate Report 105-200 – Department of Defense Appropriation Bill, 1999. Just search the page for “Wild Fire” and you’ll find the reference but no explanation. Probably nothing but figured I’d note it here.

This is just something an imaginative writer came up with, right? Like most of DeMille’s novels… Wild Fire is a thriller. (And a nice companion read to Scott Adams’ The Religion War.)

Scott Adams happy to be greedy capitalist

“I’m happy that lots of people vote. The system would break down otherwise, and short of me being the dictator, I can’t think of a better system than imaginary democracy masking the naked ambitions of greedy capitalists. It sounds bad when you say it, but frankly I don’t have a better idea. I’m just happy I have a chance to be one of those greedy capitalists myself. Now go vote me some tax breaks.”

— Scott Adams