The news business can get a little slow during the summer months so the lads (and lassie) in the Missourinet newsroom compiled a short list of rule changes to make the game of soccer more interesting:

• a three-point line
• a requirement that defenders have to have only one leg
• combining soccer with gymnastics and awarding style points for particular acrobatic moves
• beginning each game with each team kicking the ball five times from their own goal line toward the other team’s unguarded net at the other end of the field
• having the Stanford band march onto the field at an unpredictable time
• playing all games in torrential rainstorms (meaning all stadia should have high-powered sprinkler systems over the fields), or
• requiring at least one-third of each game be played on artificial snow
• combining soccer with mixed martial arts so kicking actually means something

Now we have something I could watch.

Update: According to my sources, three other rules are considered but omitted for reasons of taste:

• Land mines
• Snipers – each team has one sniper in the stand with X rounds
• Donkey Socker