I had a lot of time to think on that long train ride to Washington DC and I came to an important realization:

I don’t like to travel.

This is right up (down?) there with: “I don’t like kids.” There is some stigma attached.

I’ve battled (internally) this for years, forcing myself to take trips to “get over” my aversion. Like some gay teenager sleeping with the head cheerleader, trying to “cure” himself.

My train trip was an example of this. “You don’t like flying but maybe you’ll like travelling by train.” I didn’t.

Barb LOVES to travel but is mostly okay with the fact that I do not and (for years) has travelled with her sister and friends.

I know what you’re thinking.

The world is filled with wonderful and beautiful sites and experiences that you will never know if you don’t get out of that coffee shop. A full moon over the Great Pyramid; the temples of ancient Greece; the Grand Canyon (“You’ve never been to the Grand Canyon?!”)

But it’s time for me to ‘come out’ and embrace my inertia. Which doesn’t mean I’ll never take another trip. (Barb and I will visit my brother and his family in Malaysia in a few weeks.) But now I have a forumula to guide me.

TRAVEL PAIN QUOTIENT (TPQ)

Miles/Mode x Payoff = TPQ

MILES – To your destination (one way)
MODE – Of transportation (pick closest)
PAYOFF – The (subjective) value of experience once at your destination (1-10) Higher the number, the better the experience.

Mode Scale (subject to change)

10- Private Jet
9- Commercial Flight
8- Cruise Ship
7- Car
6- Motorcycle
5- Train
4- Bus
3- Bicycle
2- Pack Mule
1- Walking

Examples:

Private jet from NY to Paris (3,636) to party with Jessica Alba

3630
——- = 40
10 x 9

Drive from Milwaukee to Indianapolis for cousin’s wedding (her third)

280
——– = 20
7 x 2

I’m mathmatically challenged so feel free to modify this formula as necessary. Clearly the first trip above is more than twice as much fun as the second one. I’ll need some help with this.

[First, a disclaimer. It would be unfair to judge all train travel or even all Amtrak travel based on my one experience. Different trains, different days, different destinations… I’m certain many people love riding the train. I’m just not one of them. Equally important, I traveled Coach. I’m told First Class is a very different experience.]

I left St. Louis around 8:00 a.m. on a Friday and arrived in Chicage abnout 6 hours later, where I had a four hour layover. We left Chicago around 6:00 p.m.and arrived in Washington D.C. shortly after 2:00 p.m. the following day. About 30 hours travel time.

I flew back to St. Louis. About two hours in the air.

In no particular order, here are some of my observations:

• Silver Streak was just a movie
• Train travel is a group activity. Even if you’re travelling alone. Imagine a weekend sleep-over in your basement rec room with 200 strangers.
• You will encounter many physically challenged people on the train. There were a surprising number of morbidly obese people on my train. People who either could not fit in an airline seat (or would have to pay for two seats.)
• People who have lots of time on their hands (retired folks like me) ride the train. You will be part of the captive audience they have been looking for.
• You can’t smoke on the train. Not a problem on a three-hour flight. A much bigger problem if it’s 5 or 10 hours between smoke stops. Think boxcar full of junkies desperate for a fix.
• Some of the people on your train will have been travelling for a couple of days already and badly in need of a shower.
• Light sleeper? Snoring keeps you awake? Times 50! I tried recording a few minutes but it didn’t sound like anything you’d recognize as snoring because you have never heard so many people, in a confined space, snoring. Unless you’ve spent the night in a drunk tank.
• You better love kids. While most parents wouldn’t let there toddlers roam up and down the aisle of an airplane in flight, the train is a different matter.

Someone commented here that Amtrak could help their bottom line by renting cars at every stop. God knows I would have gotton off if I could.

So, what’s my advice to anyone thinking of taking a long (more than an hour) train trip? Go to your local Union Station (or whatever they call it) and sit in the waiting area for an hour. Watch and listen to the people. If you still think you want a romantic train adventure, go for it.

I took my time driving to Dallas last weeks. Turned south at Joplin, MO and saw some beautiful early spring hills in northeastern Arkansas. Planned to go down to Texarkana and spend the night but took a wrong turn in Ft. Smith and found myself in Oklahoma, so I decided to drive down on that side of the line.

I got a beautiful surprise when I entered the Ouachita Mountains in southeastern Oklahoma. I had no idea there was such a beautiful place in Oklahoma and the MINI loved the windy road going up into the hills. It was just before sunset and the views were splendid.

I spotted the upper part of a rusted bridge off the main highway and slowed down to look for a connecting road. In the old days I’d never have “lost time” by exploring but the little gravel road led back to the bridge/stream. Gotta wonder how many of these I missed. Sigh.