Category Archives: Miscellany

Smoker’s Math

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While I’m on the subject. One of my co-workers is trying to quit smoking. She proudly reported that she’s down from a pack-a-day, to just five cigarettes. She seems to really want to stop and I hope she makes it. But the math kept nagging at me.

Let’s say she starts smoking when she gets up at 7:00 a.m and has her last one before retiring at, say, 11:00 p.m. So she consumes 20 smokes over a 16 hour day. On average, that works out to a cigarette every 48 minutes. And if it takes 5 minutes to smoke one, every 40 minutes she’s reaching for the Virginia Slims. That can’t be right, how would she ever get anything done? So I went back and asked.

“Well, I usually had about three cigarettes before I came to work. Maybe three or four during lunch. And the rest after work. Oh, and we usually take a couple of breaks during the day but only long enough to smoke one.” Okay, let’s re-run the numbers:

07:00 – 08:00 — 3
08:00 – 12:00 — 1
12:00 – 01:00 — 4
01:00 – 05:00 — 1
05:00 – 11:00 — 11

That only leaves 6 hours to smoke 11 cigarettes. One every half-hour until bedtime. My mom smoked two packs a day, every day. If she was awake, she had a Winston in her hand or in the nearby ash try. It was hard but satisfying work and she loved it.

Smoker’s Oasis

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The death of Peter Jennings (from lung cancer) last week has lots of folks thinking about smoking. I remember when smoking was allowed on airplanes and ash trays were common desk accessories in the office. Ash tray. A tray for your ashes. Do they still manufacture ash trays? I’m sure they do.

My favorite “ash tray” is The Smoker’s Oasis. The grand daddy of ash trays, The Smoker’s Oasis has sprung up like big, stinking mushrooms outside offices and buildings across America. When we drove our smoking employees outdoors, we had to come up with someplace for them to put their butts.

We had one outside our offices for a while. It was originally located 30 or 40 yards from the back door of our building. The next time I saw it, it was right next to the building, so smokers could get a little shelter from the rain.

I went searching for it to take a picture for this post but it’s gone. When I asked one of my smoker co-workers where it was located, she would only mutter, “It’s gone. I don’t know where it is.”

My current theory is our Smoker’s Oasis has become like Dracula’s coffin. Only smokers know where to find it and you can never spot them going to or from the secret location.

Do our closeted smokers take turns emptying our Smoker’s Oasis? Is there a secret duty roster somewhere, showing who has butt chores this week? And where do they dump the butts? Do they bury them in the woods behind our office, taking care to spread leaves over the shallow grave?

Do they dream of a day when they are once again in the majority and can come in from the cold? Will we have nice, cut glass ash trays on every desk, with the company logo proudly imprinted on the side? Will we see a day when there is no longer a need for the Smoker’s Oasis? We can only hope.

Bill Fischer died this week

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Bill Fischer worked with my father during the early days of KBOA and they remained friends after Bill moved to California many years ago. According to an article in the DDD, Fischer died this week at the age of 84. In addition to his stint at the radio station, Bill owned the Log Cabin Drive-In; was projectionist at Tommie’s Drive-In Theater; and ran Calton’s Donut Shop. Kennett landmarks all.

It’s not about the fireplugs

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Scott, Phil and I had a meeting in St. Louis today and, on the way back, we passed a semi loaded with shiny new fireplugs. As we passed I snapped a picture. In a very accusatory tone, Scott said, “Mays is just looking for something to blog. That’s why I quit. I got tired of trying to come up with something to write about every day.”

Actually, I took the picture because the fireplugs looked very phalic and naughty in an industrial sort of way. But I understand the “blog pressure” Scott and many other bloggers feel. Fortunately, I don’t share Scott’s need to make every post interesting and worth reading. I’ll post on anything. But if I were taking the photo just so I could blog it. What the hell would I say? “Look at the dirty fireplugs?” No, Scott… we don’t live to blog. We blog to live.

I have another friend that battles his blog demons. Andy writes very long, very thoughtful posts. In truth, they’re more like essays that blog posts. He says he envies my knack for posting short, trivial items that don’t gobble up my day. (I added “trivial”) What Andy must understand that is that it’s the gestalt of smays.com that gives greater meaning to the humble parts.

Sunrise at Learfield

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satellite dish sunriseI said in an earlier post that I was only going to use photos that I took myself for the masthead. But when I saw David Sprague’s breath-taking sunrise shots from the Learfield parking lot, I decided to amend my rule to allow use of photos by anyone I know personally. I was so taken with David’s photo I didn’t bother to ask his permission to use it here… so enjoy it while you can.

Banned for life

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Before finally moving smays.com to Typepad, I signed up for hosting with a compnay called AQ Host. Good, affordable service, but not right for me. I’d signed up for 90 days, I think. I emailed them and explained that I wouldn’t be using them after all and asked if I could get a credit for the unused portion of my first 90 days. I made it clear that if this wasn’t an option, I understood. They emailed back and said they would refund my money and –according to their terms of service– I can never use their service again. Ever. Wouldn’t this have been a better reply:

Thanks for taking a look at AQ Host. Sorry it doesn’t meet your current needs. Due to the costs associated with setting up your account, we are unable to refund your money but have cancelled your account with us. Should you need hosting services in the future, we hope you’ll consider AQ Host.

For librarians and historians only

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While reading Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot, I was afraid to turn the page because I knew a vampire might be on the next one. A really scary vampire. I just slogged through 600+ pages of The Historian, by Elizabeth Kostova and Dracula didn’t show up until about page 550. If you’re not into the history of the Balkans, you can skip this one.

Movie bartenders

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If I were making a list of the best movie bartenders, Brian Dennehy would be near the top for his wonderfully understated Donald in the 1979 Dudley Moore film, 10. Someone must have compiled such a list already, but I can’t find it. And I’m having a hard time coming up with names and movies. I think you’d have to include Sascha, the bartender in Casablanca (played by Leonid Kinskey). I would not include Tom Cruise (Cocktail, 1988) or any of the girls in Coyote Ugly. So help me out here. Who would you put on the list?

PS: I found Leonid Kinskey in the Find A Grave database. They claim 25,000 people a day search their 8 million grave records.

Update: Thanks to Terry McVey for Nick (Sheldon Leonard) in It’s a Wonderful Life and Lloyd (Joe Turkel) from The Shining.

Family

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I spent a few days with my brother and his family last week. They’re home for a six month furlough and it’s been more than two years since I saw them. We assembled a basketball goal and caught up on (too many) missed birthdays. Basketball (my eyes tell the story) has become a traditional part of each visit and I fear the next time we play, Blane (47) and I (57) will no longer prevail over Ryan (15) and Spencer (13). More to come on the visit.