Category Archives: Miscellany

My kind of scavenger hunt

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I’m not a state fair kind of guy. I’m just not. But that just shows you how little imagination and creativity I possess. And why I missed the Hoosier Hunt at this year’s Missouri State Fair.

The Hoosier Hunt is what happens when black humor meets the digital age. You fire up your camera phone and bring back the following images:

  • Mullet
  • Marlboro T-Shirt
  • Woman 2x as big as her man
  • Matching shirts
  • Camel Toe or Melvin
  • Best girl’s ass (not your wife)
  • Best boy’s ass (not your husband)
  • Most tattoos
  • Most in need of having roots done
  • Picture in stranger’s hat
  • In same shot with girl with “D” cups
  • Picture with someone famous
  • In shot with Jeff Gordon fan
  • Woman in bikini top
  • Man/woman in overalls
  • Someone eating a turkey leg
  • Person wearing air-brushed T-Shirt
  • Woman with 80’s hair
  • Woman without a bra
  • Big belt buckle
  • Someone barefoot
  • Wearing two articles of John Deere clothing
  • Ugliest person with Big & Rich T-Shirt
  • Ugliest person with Cowboy Troy T-Shirt
  • Fat woman/man in belly shirt
  • Most facial hair

If you don’t find this amusing, you’re probably in one of the photos above. And, god willing, I will be able to share the winning images with you. I’m told there were three teams competing in this Hoosier Hunt and they’re compiling the winning photos and will share them here.

Nokia Tracfone

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Nokia100
I like paper plates (the good ones, not the cheap ones) and have the decency to feel guilty about using them. I’ve worn a plastic Casio wrist watch for years (less than $20). And tonight bought a year’s worth of minutes for my little Nokia Tracfone.

I paid $19.95 for the unit at Wal-Mart and have been buying additional minutes for the last 18 months. The Tracfone was made for people like me (and Avon Barksdale). No synching with Outlook. No texting. No camera. No nothing.

Yes, I do keep the Casio Exilim and the MacBook by my side, but the Tracfone and the camera fit nicely in the MacBook case. Weight is not an issue, given my limited travel.

I’ll bet I saw 50 iPhones at Gnomedex and everyone else had state-of-the-art hardware. When I pulled out the Tracfone at lunch, the guy across the table asked, "What’s that?"

"North Korean. I’m not supposed to have this out in public. Sorry." …as I jammed it back in my pocket.

So I’ve got all the minutes I need for the next year, for about $11 a month. What is that, 35 cents a day?

Scott Adams: Bullfighting

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“I normally value the life of a human being higher than the life of an animal. But I think we’d all agree that the best animal is better than the worst human. Bulls usually mind their own business. All they want to do is eat, poop, and hump anything that moos. … On the other hoof, a matador is a guy who didn’t have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer. Honestly, I don’t see how anyone can root for the human in this situation. I’m delighted when a bull puts a horn up a matador’s sphincter and trots around the arena wearing him like a rapper’s hat.”

More on Bull Schadenfreude.

Scott Adams on Hypnosis

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“…the best super power that hypnosis gives you is a different world view. Nothing in this life makes sense if you assume people are rational most of the time. Hypnosis teaches you how easily people’s memories and impressions can be altered. And it’s not just the gullible people, it’s all of us. It’s humbling. And it’s the most useful skill I’ve ever learned.” [Full post]

Back to Niketown

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Nike'sExcept they don’t call it Niketown anymore. It’s now “NIKE iD” but you can still design your own sneakers. I still get compliments on the kicks I designed a couple of years ago but, every now and again someone will ask “…but why’d you get the old person style?”

So I tried for a little more “street” this time around. I’m gonna strap these babies on with my Tactical 5.11’s, buy me a case of Krylon and go nuts.

Time to send in the Branch Dividians

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Last week I stumbled across an interesting (and lengthy) 2006 Rolling Stone article by Janet Reitman (“Inside Scientology”) that takes a peek behind the curtain of “America’s most mysterious religion.”

I’m not sure how someone could read this and not be convinced L. Ron Hubbard (the guy that came up with Scientology) was a wacko con man. Try to imagine convincing a new convert of the following:

“…75 million years ago, an evil galactic warlord named Xenu controlled seventy-six planets in this corner of the galaxy, each of which was severely overpopulated. To solve this problem, Xenu rounded up 13.5 trillion beings and then flew them to Earth, where they were dumped into volcanoes around the globe and vaporized with bombs. This scattered their radioactive souls, or thetans, until they were caught in electronic traps set up around the atmosphere and “implanted” with a number of false ideas — including the concepts of God, Christ and organized religion. Scientologists later learn that many of these entities attached themselves to human beings, where they remain to this day, creating not just the root of all of our emotional and physical problems but the root of all problems of the modern world.”

Let me say once again, this sounds like a load of horse shit. But why am I more skeptical of these “teachings” than the miracles of the Christian faith? The Bible is the literal Word of God and Dianetics is science fiction? That works for a lot of people.

Not sure where this post came from, maybe all the killing and dying in the name of religion.

Speaking of Holy Wars, maybe we should send the members of our most fanatical faiths (Scientologists, The Jonestown Brigade, The 101st Branch Davidians, etc) to mix it up with the extremists of other religions. If the other team is playing 12 year old suicide bombers… we send in some grandmothers willing to drink poison Cool-Aide. Let’s out-crazy them.

SWAT Britches

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I hate to shop for clothes and don’t do it often. When I do break down and buy some new duds, I usually hit one of the mail-order places. I just don’t have a sense of style but do notice when others are wearing something I like.

I’ve been admiring Andrew’s pants for some time now and recently asked where he got them. From the Missouri State Troopers Association (outlet?) store. Civilians like Andrew and I can purchase cool cop stuff like the 5.11 Tactical Pant. Although I think of them as “SWAT Britches.”

Mine came in today and I’m going to wear them tomorrow. The plan is to rappel down the side of the building and crash through my office window (a la Bruce Willis).

Email Dumb Storm

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Earlier this month I ranted about the mindless, clueless use of the REPLY ALL button. We’re currently experiencing one of these Dumb Storms. The following exchange has been shared with 80+ people in our office. (Yes, I do understand that some of the recipients find this witty exchange delightful.) I’m posting in reverse order to make this (on-going) thread easier to read. This is the work email equivalent of Open Mic Night at the Comedy Club. And you’re chained to your chair.

“Word has already been passed back to Learfield from I-70 that the troopers are out in full force, so be careful and watch out”

“Watch out now… my son is a trooper

“We love your son, but would like to interact with him in a more informal manner.”

“I really think it would be a great idea if police officers were put to work protecting people from murder, rape, and other vicious attacks … instead of being used by the state, counties, cities, and towns as men and women in uniform who main duty is to generate revenue. I’d wager they would probably prefer to be fighting crime than ticketing someone who has the audacity to drive at 65 MPH in a 60 MPH zone on I-70 in St. Louis County. How dare anyone drive at such an “unreasonable” speed on what is, at that point in the highway, an 8-late thoroughfare!”

“Thank your son for performing his duty. Many people have died at the hands of wreckless drivers who thought they were doing nothing wrong until it was too late.”

“I second that!!”

“Me thinks (name) is a bit cranky.”

“Maybe he got a ticket on the way to work???

“Well if he did, at least it wasn’t me this time!!

Life before YouTube, Flickr and Mac Book Pro

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I just wasn’t thinking ahead. When I started messing with websites and putting stills and video online, everything was just hard. Almost nobody had fast internet connections. YouTube, Google Video et al were somewhere over the digital rainbow. And hard drives had not become as cheap as they are today, so just “keeping” these big files was a problem.

And I was so intent in putting everything I did online, I didn’t bother to save high resolution still images. I rendered most of my video down to files sizes that could be downloaded.

I’m reminded of my lack of foresight every time I go back and upload a clip to (in this case) Google Video. Like this performance by Daniel “Slick” Ballinger, recorded in March of 2004.

And I should add that the iLife suite (iDVD, iMovie, iPhoto, etc) that ships with OSX just makes it so easy and fun to create. Who knew? Now we save everything. Uncompressed. Best quality. Word to the wise.