Letter to realtor from man shopping for a home in just the right neighborhood:

“One of the most important things I’m looking for is the quality of the neighbors and the neighborhood as much as I am a house. According to your map on the internet, I felt that perhaps these homes were in neighborhoods that are clean, wholesome and safe; with honest christian neighbors with sincere and humble christian values who would be pleasant to live among.

Being retired I wish to live where their is respect, and civility and kindness among the resident population. I wish for the neighborhood to have a refinement and elegance to it, with stable households of quality and good taste.  I don’t want to move into a blighted or deteriorating area, nor do I wish to live in an area filled with transient student population where in the neighbors are changing every semeter.  I want it to be family oriented that when one might sit on their front porch people go for walks with their families and wave and are ginuinely neighborly.”

Response to realtor from a seller:

“Ask him if he has any other requests. Would he like his neighbors to be of a specific gender or race? What kind of pets would be to his liking, and what about climate? Would occasional rain be acceptable or would he rather it be dry, but with humidity readings in the low 40’s?

Tell him Ward, June, Beaver and Wally have all moved away to live with Timmy and Lassie.”

No, you can’ t make this shit up. Wouldn’t you just love to live next door to this guy?