I don’t like kids. There. I said it. Some people don’t like dogs or cats… I don’t like kids. No need to get into all the reasons because it doesn’t matter. This is a very socially unacceptable view but I suspect there are others who secretly share it. People with children must pretend they like your children so you will feel obligated to pretend you like theirs. As you might have guessed, I don’t have children. And, I have been told countless times: “If you had children of your own, you’d feel differently.” I think that’s probably true.

I have this theory that all parents undergo a molecular change the moment their children are born. This change in brain chemistry is what keeps them from murdering the little darlings in the first few months. Yes, I know I was a child once. That only supports my position. I’m willing to admit this is a serious flaw in my character and I’ll work on it. And you can help me. When little Brad is screaming at the top of his lungs in the restaurant, take him outside. Or home. Don’t bring Tiffanie to the Lord of the Rings unless she’s old enough or well behaved enough to watch it quietly. If not, spring for a baby-sitter.

I’m happy to pay property taxes to help educate America’s children. Your job is to try to keep them from turning into drug dealers, priests, politicians and other dangerous adults. If you succeed in rearing a decent human being, send them around. I’d love to meet them.